FAUX NEWS NETWORK IS BACK!

Welcome to the new Faux News Network blog site.  My name is {withheld upon legal advice} and I’m the founder of Faux News Network. I’m excited to open this new frontier and I am confident that it will live up to its motto: We Make It Up So You Don’t Have To. 

FNN has been publishing inaccurate news reports since 2012 and I am proud to announce our new feature.  FNN will be the exclusive vehicle which allows Hank Quense’s characters to call in and discuss their problems and hopes.  One of our staff members will be on duty at all times to talk with a character.

Now let’s meet our dedicated staff who bring you the faux news. 

* Economic reporter: Cash Krugerrand:  Currently serving a prison term for money laundering, he has access to the internet and keeps current on economic situations.

* Sports reporter: Jock Strapper:  Jock has been judged athletically inept in over a dozen sports but continues to be a keen observer on the sports scene.

* Military reporter: Sam Kung-Fu:  Sam is a retired super-hero who has saved the world at least three times and the entire galaxy twice.

* Political reporter:  Stacy Conundrum: Stacy has a master’s degree in criminal psychology which makes her a natural to cover the Washington news beat.

*Crime Reporter: Guiseppe, “Joey the Nose” Linguine. Despite being in the Witness Protection Program, Joey the Nose has many contacts on both sides of the law that provide him with vital information that occasionally  is factual.

* Culture reporter: Marcia Hammerhead: Marcia is a cultural snob of the first order.  She claims to enjoy Milton and other unintelligible epic poets.  She disdains most modern literature and detests genre fiction.

* Zaftan 31B reporter: Chazerei: is a trained assassin, Chazerei is the perfect reporter to cover zaftan affairs since she can relate to the zaftans in the street, all of whom relish murder and treachery

* Consumer Affairs reporter: Elsie Cheap-Skater.  Cheap-Skater is a serial shoplifter with years of experience in comparing the value of consumer products.  She studied the subject during her years in the state prison.

Local News Reporter: Lois Nosey.  Nosey has a life-long desire to know what everyone is up to and doesn’t mind getting insulted by strangers for butting into the strangers’ affairs.

* Religious reporter: Matthew Mark Lukejohn: Lukejohn has been expelled from a number of religions and is under interdict from three separate major religions. At least two others have taken out contracts to have him whacked.

* Gundarland Reporter: Sandra Elfenheimer: Sandra is a pseudonym for someone who we have not been able to identify. We really don’t know if her reports are true or fictional.

* Travel Reporter (including time travel): Gina Vagabond.  Gina is a stay-at-home mom who travels the galaxy using the quantum computer in her bedroom.

* Science Reporter:  Sue Entropy.  Ms. Entropy has several degrees in non-science specialities allowing her to take scientific jargon and interpret it ways that even science majors can’t understand.

* Health/Medical Reporter: Ben Angioplasty: Ben is an advocate of home surgery and lectures extensively on that subject.  HIs latest book describes how to perform kidney transplants on your kitchen table.

* Entertainment reporter:  Mia Diversion: Mia is a grumpy old soul who hates TV, movies and live entertainment.

* Obituary writer: Maurice Eulogy: Maurice is a morbid soul who is fascinated by dead bodies and is often found creeping around graveyards.

* Research supervisor: Ian Inquisitive: Ian is working on his high school equivalency degree after which he will attempt to enroll in a college.

* Office manager, janitor and Chief Counsel: Jan Obtuse.  Jan is exceptionally intelligent.  This leads everyone to assume she took the janitor job because she is a spy for a rival network.